Hello All.
As many of you already know, Laura and I made it safely back to the United States. In fact, it was already three full weeks ago that we were checking in at the airport in Dar es Salaam. In some ways it seems like I was in Tanzania only yesterday—the memories, sights, and smells are still so vivid. But in other ways, my time in Tanzania is already beginning to feel like a lifetime or a world away. I suppose, in some ways, it is.
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| The mountain behind LJS. AKA The view I saw every day. |
I’ve been thinking about Tanzania a lot over these past few days and weeks. Sometimes I share stories as they are triggered spontaneously by things that happen. Just yesterday, for example, I found myself describing the experience of eating rice with my hands. But apart from these little stories, I haven’t talked about it much. I haven’t even finished unpacking. I think a part of me dreads the closure that will come and the permission to move on—part of me doesn’t want to move on.
Some people who are close to me have said that I am different. I can only hope they are right. I’ll admit that I’m more than a little afraid of slipping right back into exactly the way I was—the busy-ness, the constant productivity, the power walk, and the inability to simply Be. I am scared that I will begin to forget that there are places in the world where people matter more than things and more than work, where education is valued and never taken for granted, where faith is a badge of honor and a mark of identity rather just something you do. There are so many things I learned in Tanzania that I want to maintain and practice here in the U.S.
Many people have asked me: “Did you have a good time in Tanzania?” and I know you mean well. I think the short answer—and the desired one—is “Yes,” but that seems like such a brief and concise answer to describe an experience that was so many things all rolled into one. While there, I was nervous, excited, scared, joyful, uncomfortable, curious, frustrated, adventurous, terrified, and awe-struck. I had moments when I thought that I could stay forever. I also had a few moments when I wondered how I could possibly make it through another three months, one month, four days. Yes, I had an amazing experience in Tanzania. Yes, I learned a lot. Yes, I am happy I went. Yes, I would do it again. But, no, I don’t think “good” is exactly the word I would use to describe it.
I’m not sure how Laura is coming on this front, but as for me, I’m still really struggling with being back in the U.S. It’s been wonderful to see family and friends, to take a truly clean shower, to always know what I’m eating. But, so much of this familiar place feels strange now. I had a full panic attack the night I got back because I had too many options of what to wear. Every so often now, I walk into a store, see ALL of the choices, and feel my breathing quicken with anxiety.
Life in Tanzania, by my assessment, is not simpler than life here. There are still tasks to be done, worries to be thought about, people to take care of. But, I would say that life is more basic in Tanzania, and more focused. As a majority, the people I know in Tanzania tend to be focused mostly on necessities like food, health care if they need it, clothing, school work and fees, etc. I open a magazine now and am bombarded by ads for all of the things that I don’t need. Then I think back to the sheer quantity of rice,beans, or fresh vegetables that can be bought in Tanzania for five or ten dollars. I don’t understand it.
I think I could go on and on about what I’ve been thinking about, but you probably get the idea. In a nutshell: I’m happy to be back with family and friends, but missing Tanzania in a lot of ways too. I’m struggling to fit back into everything that I was before, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe I am different, or perhaps I’m just beginning to realize who I actually want to be. I ask for your prayers as I continue to process my experiences in Tanzania. And, who knows, maybe I’ll actually come to a place where I want to talk about everything I saw and did and experienced and learned. We’ll have to see about that though. I suspect that it may be a while before I’m ready to brain-dump.
Peace,
Ellen
